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Analysis of Self
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Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in msmuddy's LiveJournal:

Monday, July 10th, 2006
11:36 pm
It's worth it
Tonight was my last evening in civilization for awhile. I'm heading out for work in the Piceance basin on the oil patch for several days. Knowing that I'm leaving soon imparted me with a certain amount of bravery today. The result of this was that I asked a boy out. Ok.. not a boy. He's a man with some boyish traits. I know him from scooter activities and we've had great conversation in the past.

I started thinking how much I enjoyed my conversation with him on Saturday and that it would be a shame if I didn't talk to him for 7 or 8 days. So, I called him up at 6 to see what his evening plans were. He had planned to work on his scooter .. I said "Oh. .... Well.....I was hoping you'd like to get some coffee with me." Immediately he responded with, "OK." No hesitation or pondering. Absolutely, he was happy to get coffee. :) and I was happy.

We met at my favorite coffee shop, and had coffee. Some scooter friends stopped by our table for a bit and, although it seemed an intrusion at the moment, it was probably good to bring in the 'friend factor' for awhile - sorta like staying in touch with our roots.

When they left, the ice wsa more than broken .. it was a whole pool of open water. We talked about very important things... the openness was fascinating in both of us. Wonderfully, this was not physical at ALL. It was two real people seeking connection. I loved it. I feel like we're coming from the same, socially impaired, wanting love, lonely place .. seeking the same thing. And in spite of all the things he doesn't like about himself, I see so much to admire in him. I really had a wonderful time connecting with his beautiful heart. And I just want to know more... and i want to help him be what he knows he can be. Wow. I can go on and on about this fabulous fellow, but there's still so much to know. Sure, he has faults. I'll list them here so we all know that I'm aware of what i'm getting into: He drinks too much, he smokes, he has only an applied associates degree and doesn't have a great 'career' ahead of him, and he has a tendency to feel sorry for himself and withdraw.

But, he also recognizes that we can change to be better even as adults. He sees the other side of things, no matter what the topic, he's a great listener and earnestly loves his friends and family. He's completely capable of seeing something deep and real and bigger than the day to day drama most people get lost in. Sure, I want to hug his body ... but I also really want to hug his soul. His mere presence makes me feel calm. That is just lovely. And .. all of this happened because I decided to be impatient and just ask him out. No regrets yet!
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
4:40 pm
self destruction
Reclosing those doors ...

For so long I've been only just a little bit emotionally available in relationships. Not just romantic relationships, either. Even my very very good friends and my therapist are subject to moderation of my emotions and true thoughts. For the past few months, the impact of this fact on my own psyche has become increasingly more evident in my inability to open up and to build real, deep, intimate connections with other people. I've always just dispersed my friendship in a random fashion: a little here and a little there ... being a true friend to many but really not allowing them to be true friends for me. Men have fallen subject to the pain associated with this activity when they fell 'in love' with a woman who understood and heard their struggles and pain but wouldn't share her own struggles and pain with them. Consequently, when they thought they were 'in love' I always knew that they didn't love the whole me. They couldn't. I just didn't put it out there. And no one ever tried to dig a little harder and find out what was below the person I chose to display.

I speak of this in the past-tense because in March, something happened that was a catalyst to my brain/ heart. For the first time in years, I wanted to be capable of being whole. I wanted to meld the 'boyish friend' part of me that so many people are fond of with the 'wild, sexual being' who generally dwelt in other circles. It's a heavy burden to mentally and emotionally support two separate personalities. I know that there are many people who do it because it's really less vulnerable – albeit less fulfilling. So, I started seeing a therapist. She coached me on trying to be open about my feelings with people and choosing friends who would help me support my burdens rather than make them heavier. We talked about how important it is for me, especially, to pick friends who wouldn't run away when they heard about my sordid past... and who would understand that I am NOT as tough as I seem.

So, I set about on a journey – carrying a burden of honesty – searching for real friends. In some cases, this involved reducing or eliminating time with old friends who were hurtful on a regular basis. In other situations, this involved seeking out time with people who had the intellectual and emotional depth to be both accepting and understanding of my dualistic self as both successful scientist and emotionally destroyed abuse victim. In short, it's better for me to be alone than to be around people who are hurtful. This is a time that I've chose to be vulnerable and, in order to heal, I need to keep myself safe. SAFE.

And safety in this world is really a farce. Daily, at my job, I deal with aggressive, hateful, disturbing individuals. I quit that job because it was too dangerous for my soul. My friendships were drastically reduced to only those individuals who, I did not think, would add to the pain of my past. Sure, they might be challenging .. but not knowingly hurtful. In a sense, I was hoping for these chosen few to be bigger and stronger than I, and to give me time to grow under the very real weight of my childhood burdens.

Becoming vulnerable means displaying weakness. Under a heavy load, this is a difficult endeavor requiring even more strength than continuing to hide under the load. I feel as though I am a small child under the weight of several bales of straw – carrying them for an unknown reason to a master bigger than I. Oh how I long to put these burdens down, but I cannot until I see that the valuable parts are not disposed with the lot. You see, I've already tried just pretending that the hate and abuse didn't happen to me: in short, tossing the whole lot away. It doesn't work. I have to keep going back to sort through and re-find the valuable parts of the experience. This is why I need to sort through my burden, even while carrying it. And how I wish that I were still a child carrying this burden of abuse. A child, for the most part, does not have to also discern how to handle sexual advances. I did, but that's part of the problem. Now, I just do not want to. I don't want to be a sexual thing anymore. I just want to be a person. Nevertheless, I have a fair amount of sexual experience in my past. Man are always drawn to sexuality. It's part of the game – and it's a game I play pretty well. But it's a game i DO NOT WANT to play right now. In general, I forgive the men their testosterone weakness and sometimes indulge them – the one-time deal is fun for me too. I try to be EITHER sexual with them OR vulnerable and emotional. I have not, yet, learned how to do both.

A couple of weeks ago a situation began that I think may have ended my search for unity: I gave in and let a man be close to me. He was a friend and a nice guy. We hung out, had laughs, it was friendly. He's a good person. And .. oops ...we had sex. It was in a time when I was not especially emotionally vulnerable, though. We discussed it (what a novelty)... and I really thought he understood me. I thought he realized that we couldn't do that. I was totally freaked out when I discovered, in fact, that he was a man. Prior to our little encounter, he was just a friend – genderless, in a sense. Not that he's un-masculine at all. I just didn't put him in that category because he was so NOT a user. In my mind, he was a friend. That night it turned sexual, I was caught off guard but not hurt. The reasoning behind that isn't clear, except that I guess I hadn't put him into the user category before so I could feel that he also hadn't put me into the 'girl' category either. We were both caught off guard and thus I could excuse both of our indescretions and put it away. I told him, in what I thought were clear words, that this couldn't happen again if it weren't in the context of a relationship. Note, I didn't rule out the potential for a relationship with him: I'd only just noticed he was a man .. and hadn't really considered the possibility before, so I left the options open.

Having had that conversation, though, that sex wasn't an option, was freeing to me. To back up this comfort, he'd made it very clear to me that he wasn't interested in me that way. He opened up the possibility that i COULD be open to him because he wasn't interested in sex. What a relief!

I let myself be attached to him in a way that I cannot with people who I'm sexually involved with. Our friendship wasn't going to go there, he said. And he'd stood by that promise at least once.

[An aside: You see, I don't even REALIZE that I send out sexual signals most of the time. Sure, when I wear low-cut blouses and spike heels, I see it. I'm on-guard for advances then. But when I'm in my cozies without makeup, just being me, I don't understand what I do that makes me seem so .. um ... fucking free. I mean, I feel like I must have some kind of whore-genetics or something. “Here I am, please fuck me. I have no self-worth so just do whatever you want with me.” I've got no idea how I send out these ideas to men but, based on my own personal experiences, it's there those ideas come forth from my being whether I intend them to or not.]

Anyways .. back to my friend. I began to trust him, seeing that he really wasn't going to make me have sex with him. He was going to be strong and teach me how to keep it platonic, so I trusted him. I stopped greeting him with coldness (at least I tried). I accepted that we could cuddle and touch and that I didn't have to keep my guard up. I love this man for who he is and I would, happily, be in a relationship with him and learn to have emotionally safe sex. But he assured me that I didn't have to worry about risky, non-emotional sex with him.

One evening, we watched a movie late at his place. I know he doesn't like living alone and values the company as much as I do. SO, when he asked me to stay I had no problem with that. Somehow, though, in that night, I turned on the whore persona. I touched him in some way – heaven knows what way that was, exactly – that he thought I was suddenly saying that we could have meaningless sex. Forget all we'd talked about. Forget that we'd already discussed that it wasn't possible. Forget that he KNOWS about my history of abuse and distrust of men. He was there, wanting more than some love and cuddling. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I couldn't do this without a relationship to match. I couldn't do it. Did he pipe up and say, “ I know .. and I'd really like to try that relationship”? no. absolutely not. He kept pushing for some sex ... until I finally got mad. We did not go there and I told him he was just fucking with my feelings.... and in that moment, my heart broke. I think it's probably still there, in his bed... a stain he can't see and also won't be able to wash out: a broken heart and shattered trust spilled from my soul.

He apologized. He apologized many times. I want to forgive him: a poor man, powerless against the strength of testosterone and the whore in his bed. Intellectually, I can understand that. I tried to go to his house so that my whole self could see that he's still the same guy. But he's not. To me, he's a real man now. He's just a man who's driven by his sex who sees me as a pushover slut who doesn't know what she wants. I don't know, now, how to reconcile the two parts of myself with him. HE doesn't LOVE the friend part of me enough to love her completely. He wanted the whore part who has easy, fun sex. I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere tells his friend that she's a prostitute. She's standing at the derby in that brown polka dot dress wishing for her hooking clothes because at least then she's guarded from the remarks by her internal armor. My friend didn't 'want' me when I was dressed up for his advances. He caught me off guard with sexual expectations when I was being 'just the friend.' It's like he knew both sides of me .. and used it against me.

I don't know if I can continue to be his friend. I just don't know. It will take some time before I can rebuild some kind of wall to protect myself. And that's how I begin this new part of my life: by rebuilding walls that I've just recently torn down. *sigh* Completeness is overrated.
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
12:22 pm
Another day ... post-migraine.

Had an awful migraine on Monday and it really seems to have affected my personality a little bit. Don't know if the chage was actually a result of the migraine itself or the situation or if the occurence simply was a spring-board for change.

Anyways, I've found myself in a much more interesting place in that I'm totally consumed by fantasy. Usually, when I go to bed and when I wake up I'm either thinking of work or of the relationships in my life (more often the relationships). But since Monday, I've been watching, reading and surfing a whole lot of anime and manga. It's like this new joyous indulgence: I think of heroines and magic girls and the intensity of emotion in those little cartoon faces.

There's one anime - Gunslinger Girls- that really moves my soul. I hadn't realized before how much I seem to have needed an external way to experience my deep emotions. Especially in non-verbal anime, there is so much feeling communicated in just music and expression and situation. My heart and mind just love having this to focus on. It also keeps me from overanalyzing my current frienships and relationships.

Part of me feels like a little anime magic-girl. In my life, I've overcome so much and have always been very driven to do the right thing and to help others at all costs. Most magic girls and heroines harbor some dark secret for which they are compensating. Therein is where I identify with them. AND, they always are loved in spite of some oddity or difficult character trait. The anime I've seen lately gives me hope, too, that I am lovable in spite of my flaws. I need this hope, obviously. I cling to it and use the cartoon people as examples. Crazy, yes. But somehow comforting and necessary right now.
Monday, June 19th, 2006
11:05 am
A weekend
In mid-May, I was involved in a very brief romantic encounter with a man .. who was fascinating. He made me, once again, wish for love. Not for sex or for control or prestige but for love. That desire, so far as it involved THAT man, departed quickly. However, the fear and pain which erupted in my soul as a result of simply knowing this man forced me to begin seeing a therapist. My therapist is wonderful.

She belives in me. She encourages me to be 'real' and not to try to be 'normal.' We've concluded that normal is a fantasy anyways.

In our sessions, we've examined my tendency to always blame myself when anythign isn't perfect. In relationships/ friendships/ even simple work siutations, if it doesn't all work out just so I torture myself trying to come up with ways that I could've prevented the problem. This both puts an unnecessary burden on my own self AND it actually gives me FAR too much power. In my mind I'm supposed to be perfect and since perfection is NOT possible, this internal belief sets me up for pendulous mood swings. I go from being a complete failure to kind of the world. In my family, it's always been my job to do it all and to be all things to all people. But FUCK that. I'm just me. That's all I can hope to be. Knowing that and saying it and believing it has been a difficult endeavor. But I'm learning to see myself and others through a realistic light, rather than as goals for perfection.

Recently, I've returned to a couple of old passions and find myself feeling again. I'm expereincing wonder and joy again since I started reading classic poetry and philosophers like Nietzshe and Kant and Sartre. (Sartre is my current favorite.) There's a part inside of me that's blooming again and it feels lovely.

One special friend in my city has really supported this quest for internal discovery. To him I give much credit for being strong, kind, and amazingly insightful. So, it was one man who sparked my desire to be whole and another - very very different -- man who supports my journey. The first man was simply happenstance. The second, however, is truly divine humanity.
Friday, June 16th, 2006
12:38 pm
A beginning of sanity
I haven't blogged since ... well... forever. Is it possible that I've had nothing to say? Not likely, given my propensity for spouting off at any moment. More likely is that I've been entranced with my "new life" in the biggest little town of Denver (Ok, so that's really Reno but the difference is small.)

the MySpace blog has been getting a little attention, but not much of the gut-spilling that I do here. It's too public. There are too many opportunities completely supported by thorough encouragement to judge.

Today's topic is OBSESSION.

I started seeing a therapist sometime in May. She's great. She's validating and helpful and insightful. What worries me is that i do NOT tell her the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Reminiscent of that scene from Kissing Jessica Stein, no? Why don't I tell her the truth? I want her to like me, obviously.

She has this idea that I'm afraid of men. I'm afraid of them and pretty 'good' and don't sleep around or whatever. Once I realized my tendency to hide such truths, I began to toss out sentences here and there to prepare her for the revelation that I do, in fact, like sex. Molestation by my grandfather has most certainly wreaked havoc on my ability to put both physical and mental intimacy into the same bag. However, I'm really not afraid of sex itself. Learning to orgasm at age 4 only made it something I want to repeat over and over. And I have. Masturbation is one of my very well-developed skills.

But I digress. The point is, I sometimes just 'give in' and have sex .. without even a THOUGHT as to the consequences it has on me. That happened just this past weekend, in fact. Only, contrary to the usual situation, I slept with a friend. The friend part is, for sure, the biggest mistake. The sex was good .. and safe and fun. And, as much as I need help processing WHY this happens and WHAT I should do now .. I can't seem to say it to my therapist. In fact, I may have lied about the intimacy with him -- framing the progress of our relationship as more 'innocent' and gradually growing into romance. and it's bullshit.

Shit, man. If given our own non-sexual devices to 'grow' intimacy, we would just be friends forever. We've gone through every step to be certain to squelch any attraction, including lists of why we could never date.

So, here we go ... we're attracted. It's undeniable now, right? or no?
Geezus. I have absolutely no idea about what is or isnt deniable. I'm told that I'm a best friend .. blah blah .. don't want to "ruin" the relationship ...

And, from my perspective, I just want to jump his bones every time I see him. I want to snuggle into the nook in his arm and kiss his fuzzy face. I want to show him how good it can FEEL to be loved. BUT ...
We agreed to call our little tete-a-tete a 'nothing'. nothing.

It was NOT nothing.
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
4:01 pm
What is romantic love?
Love .. the idea of caring more for another than for yourself .. this is an idea I am familiar with. I have no doubts about my own ability to love. Ask my friends, family, even acquaintences will say that I'm good at loving. What, then, is different with romantic love?

Is it just sexual attraction? So if I have a friend who I do love and would do anything for .. who I also find attractive .. is that it? Am I, then, in love?

People say that 'real love' can't begin with sex. What if I find a man irresistably attractive at first sight and we have great sex. Then, as we go on with out lives, I discover that I actually LIKE him too. I find him to be great company and funny. Am I, then, in love? Well, I think that, perhaps, this second situation might be more of a likelihood for me. ... life happens ... maybe i'll continue this later.
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
2:46 pm
New season .. same issues.
OK .. so I met a man. New? of course this isn't new! What is new about it? Well .. read the post before this one .. about all of my psychoses and hang-ups .. and all that shit that makes me about the worst girlfriend ever -- although I imagine I'm a pretty good fuck. All of those issues have come up.. and I've been moderately unafraid to speak them. What is fucking FASCINATING is that this guy is sticking around. He listens to me bawling .. he tries to do the right thing (sometimes there IS no right thing)... he's kind and loving and everything a rational woman could want.

But .. for me .. I just need someone HERE. Long distance does NOT work for me until I know it's gonna end. This, well, I just don't really believe that we can ever be any closer! If he were here .. in this town .. ......... UM .. OK.. that thought isn't gonna work right because if he were here, with me, on a regular basis, my craziness would probably just make him go away. I'd be abandoned again. AHH HA! I see it then! I continue the cycle by being fucking crazy! I make sure that men abandon me.. it's the only way I know how to live. I'm gonna let this one care. I'm not gonna make him abandon me. I want to stop being a fucking psycho on the phone with him and just be funny .. and fun .. and enjoy life! He doesn't want me to be unhappy and fat and lazy .. like I always get in relationships. He wants me to have fun!

I may 've shot myself in the foot when I told him that I wanna go out dancing around here, but I don't even trust myself around other men. What I was really saying is that I want to go out and find other men! Not cuz I can't be trusted but becuase that's what I want to do. Men are my hobby. I can be trusted. I've never cheated before. What I was saying is that I want to go see other people. SHIT! But I was saying it in such a way that HE would be abandoning ME... and he's not like that. WOW. SEe .. i'm crazy. I'm all fucking mixed around in side ... and I force anyone dating me to deal with my shit. This just isn't fair because I do know some wonderful men. ... THIS man is a wonderful man.

He must have issues of his own .. in order to put up with me for even this long. (It's only been 2.5 months.) Well ....... 'tis the time for both of us to be looking and wondering if this can get any better. I mean, no man wants to be with a psycho, crazy, clingy woman. That's what I am, unfortunately. Maybe, one bit at a time, I'll get past it. It takes time to change habits .. and I'm habitually psycho! I become the crazy woman, it seems, for the sole purpose of driving men away from me. I FEAR INTIMACY like no one I've ever known. Ironically, I project that onto the men I am with. At times, it's true. at other times, however, it isn't. B didn't fear intimacy.... although S did. ... Back in the day, when it WAS love, T ... well .... I can't quite figure it out. To him, maybe to ALL of them, I am that crazy, beautiful, wild, fun exciting dream ... who cannot do laundry or clean house. (See Alex & Emma for movie reference). Hell yeah! I'm exactly the woman men think they want .. until they've got it .. and then they wish for something more normal and stable. Something real. THIS is exactly why every man who dates me marries the next girl. She's probably just normal, kind, caring ... and NOT as exciting as I am.

*laughs hysterically* I AM that woman... the one everyone thinks they want... but really that no one can handle. Smart men realize that they need more stability and real-ness. Other, less-smart men .. are fascinated and tortured. It's true that I am fun to know. My life is full of quite real and still very exciting and odd stories.

Do I wish to be that stable and sweet, Anne Marie? Can I ever be happy and content with routine and regularness? Will I find it in myself to 'settle-down'? Who knows!

At this point, I don't want to. I'm not ready to settle-down .. BUT .. I am planning to provide some stability for myself in the near future. It's good for my health, and - in the long run- for my mind.

And what of that sweet man who puts up with my shit and all of my craziness? He loves me more as I get crazier. What will become of 'us'? IS there an us? Can there be an US? From this distance, it's in words only. there is no 'us' in my book until i've met friends and family and can be shown off regularly to them. Then, there is an 'us'... maybe. i told him that i wouldn't date anyone else without first discussing it. I'm gonna go out and NOT date anyone else. I'm not even gonna kiss anyone else ... although even typing that gives me a little butterfly in the stomach that says I'm lying .. and why should I lie on my private blog. I am who I am! SHIT! can I make that promise to myself, even? I'm leaving Laramie! Of course this is the time to make out with locals who I'll never see again .. to test the waters of 'what might have been'. THIS is the time for me - as is my habit - to sow my wild oats so that people remember me in this town.

Selfish selfish selfish. All of it. My actions can and do impact other people. The sweet man who loves me is now part of my heart .. I think of him ... I want him to enjoy my life with me! I want him to go out and enjoy the scene with me! But .. he cannot. Shall I continue to be faithful and wait .. and force myself to find other fun things to do besides pick up strange men? There are SO many things to do besides make out with strange men! I just want to find one or two to go climb with .. or to even go hike with .. or see a movie .. or bike around town .. or really just drinking is fine for awhile. I need a social life so that i have something to LEAVE .. so that I'll have to get work and working-out done. What do i do with this sweet boy ..... FUCK. I really knew going in how badly i suck at long distance. This is why I attempted to MOVE to Cali. He's great! He's worth seeing and spending time with. My only conclusion, then, is that I really do not see an end to the distance. If I could see an end, waiting wouldn't be hard! But I have - too often - been lied to, or mislead into believing someone was going to come visit and they didn't. It's an obstacle I cannot get past, I guess. Until I see him here, I can't believe he's going to come. That's the problem and/ or question as to why I see all fo the great thigns and still want to go do my own thing with others. I do not think I'll find better. I do not. But I'm also tired of just waiting. I waited for S for so long ... and for B ... and - for a much shorter time - for T to come the two hours to here. Fuck them all. I'm not able to wait anymore. The minute I see a plan for him to visit I will start thinking about 'us'. Until then, as far as I can tell, it's just me. Damn that sux .. but that's how it is. I'm just me .. here .. in this cow town, lookin' for a good time.

Be fun, sweet dude. Be honest and surprise me .. and be fun. Do not keep me in bed and do not make my life boring. Add excitement and you'll have me. Alas, I am me.
Sunday, May 8th, 2005
3:49 pm
What gets ME in the mood...
Of late, I've noticed a certain difficulty with staying 'in the moment' during intimate situations. This may be a result of the specific person I'm with .. but I find myself wondering if I wasn't really in the mood to begin with . Of course, such thinking has lead me to consider what it is that DOES get me in the mood. Since I'm a girl, this stuff is mostly emotional and 'touchy feely.' No this will not be fodder for men's fantasies but it may be some interesting info for those truly interested in seducing a woman.

So.. what gets ME in the mood..

I am in the mood IF I feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet.

This can be acheived with 1) sincere words in that order. For instance, "You look absolutely beautiful right there .. just like that" or "That smile, I love that one" 2) being shown off in public. For me, there is little that is more arousing than to get all dolled up and going out, feeling that my man is so proud to have me on his arm. It warms my heart and, therefore, my panties when he proudly introduces me to friends. If he's proud to show me off, I just wanna show of MORE for him.. later.. This effect can be encouraged by a few comments whispered into my ear about how stunning I look. 3) This one .. is sweet and almost impossible to fake ... I am so aroused when I catch him watching me. If I'm working or reading or laughing and see him, out of the corner of my eye, watching with that adoring expression. I'm moved. I'm excited. I wanna see HOW much he adores me... and return the favor. In essence, then, his eyes make me feel gorgeous. The result, then, is that I am also unafraid and confident.

For this kind of thing to add to "the moment" though, it has to be genuine and constant. If any kind of disdain for my appearance or self is shown when the clothes come off, forget it. I'll go back to being insecure and unaroused. This leads me to believe, then, that my arousal is directly related to my confidence level. If I am unafraid of him, I will let go and enjoy the moment. What do I become afraid of? Criticism... mental, verbal, implied .. I don't want to be criticized. Soooooo .. if I'm not really "there" in those intimate situations, a gentleman could help the situation by reminding me that I'm the most beautiful woman on the planet.

That's it.. today.
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
6:05 pm
A whole month of nuttin...
So, I made the effort and cut back my hours at work. Did that get me any further on my theis? Well, maybe a little. Did it get me further in my social life?? Hell YES! I've found time to go out for drinks most nights, time to meet a couple of men from other towns for dinner and such. And, I've made time for working out twice a day. Yes, twice. The result is a significant number of pounds lost, muscle gained, and a certain air of confidence. I have goals now, that are not school related AND not relatinship related. I'm aiming for long-distance endurance races in a year or, more likely, two years.

Already I know, though, that two days in a row of not working out quickly causes me to revert to the insecure fat girl. That's it, just two and I start eating shitty food for comfort and crap. JESUS! I meant to ski both yesterday and today, but neither worked out. A large cause of this was some .. um .. promiscuity .. this week. Somehow men just fuck up my whole sense of schedule and rightness. DAMMIT! I mean, they're good when they are already planned into the schedule. But, if they're in teh schedule that means there is an ending time that does NOT involve my staying up all night. When they - or I - end up leaving in the morning, it feels like a whole day shot.. and not just wasted but truly shot in the foot. I'm somehow unable to fucking function!

This is what I meant when I told my friend that I cannot be involved sexually in a non-emotional relationship. New relationships are a lot of emotional work for me .. which requires time and thought .. so when I just 'screw around' my brain and body start getting ready for the new relationship to come. I feel leadened in the ass and heart. Heavy, unable to function properly. How sad is that? It is even somewhat true if there is no screwing around .. but it doesn't KEEP me from functioning unless there is something sexual going on. I can almost touch the little girl I feel inside as a separate being. She is there .. freaking out, withdrawing into a small small space and trying to build up the fat girl around her. So, I eat. I eat ice cream and fried rice and chocolate and soda and hot dogs .. building back up that fat girl protection. When a good guy comes along, I'll share this with him. Of course, it is impossible to know what kind of reaction to expect .. but I hope for reassurance and steadfastness. If he's just gonna screw me and leave, I don't need it. I can't handle it. I so want someone who says, at least, that he'll stick around and be patient as I deal with my "new relationshiop issues"... he need only profess his support and continue to take me for fun things that do NOT involve sex. Keeping busy doing fun things but NOT having sex, somehow, reminds me that I am a valuable person.

So, in the end, I want to be worth someone elses' effort. I want to overcome the psychoses. They're all initial! I can work through them, with encouragemtn and a good amount of trust that someone is not going to just leave when I'm most vulnerable (whihc is about 2 months into the relationship.) Uhhh.. can we say "Abandonment Issues??" .. yep. That's right. I am terrified that someone will leave and, simultaneously, I do what I can to protect myself so that they can't get too close. Fuck! What a fucking crazy woman I am... even that I can see this and still feel helpless to change it is ridiculous! Perhaps I should consider being institutionalized. Cuz I am also pretty freaked out about the possibility of being used for only sex. What's really fucked up there, though, is that I so easily go along with quick sex.. early sex .. kinky sex .. to placate someone. I don't know how to say no. Perhaps this is the manifestation of a sexually abused child. *sigh* I don't know how to say no. That was never a choice for me. SO, I go along with it .. make sure it's really good and fun .. and then feel like shit. It's not HIS fault at all that I feel like shit -- he might even call the next day and do all of the right things. Still, I feel used and dirty. That is .. UNLESS .. unless unless unless... we do something fun, together, and he's still proud to be with me. He takes me around, we do something active, meet people .. in public. If we just stay at home, it feels dungeon-like. I feel trapped .. might as well be tied to a bed for fucking. Show me off! Be proud of me! Introduce me to your friends! Don't just keep me home for yourself .. then I feel like an object for your use. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.. I'm fucking psycho. Jesus.

Current Mood: drained
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
1:08 pm
What the ...??
Ok .. so I have a goal now. AND a plan. Work work work work work. I'm cutting back hours at my JOB so that I can work on my thesis. I have a PLAN for my thesis, even.

So why the hell do I continue to fixate on strangers?? I mean, DAMN, I could at least fixate on people that I know! Well, I guess there's no difference, really. I always focus too much on the "ideal" man in a guy i barely know. Truly, I do have some wonderful guy friends. Why can't I fixate on THEM? I mean, really! I spent a lot of time focusing on Kay when I first got here -- as my only female friend. Too bad for both of us. She's totally not capable of that kind of intense friendship and it hurt my feelings to be neglected in that way.

There's these dudes .. GREAT guys, really .. from various places .. who embody something I want to be or to have. So, I focus on their attention for awhile. It's not that I want a relationship or anything; I just want to take away whatever it is that they have to offer. BUT but but .. I've been that girl. More than one guy has been taken with me because they wanted part of the "spark" that I have. and they didn't. What a DRAG they were!

BUT, the interest is pretty easily rekindled after awhile.. when they've moved on and gotten on with their life. I mean, who wants someone elses' life to stop for them?? No one. Not even me. It's fun to begin with, but then .. scary and a little bit of a burden.

These fine fine men .. they don't need admiration nearly as much as they need understanding. I'm going to understand more and admire less. Because that is what we all want .. to be understood. After screwing up a communique, one cannot immediately go 'fix' it. First, time must do its work. In this fine man whose friend I would like to be, I've found someone admirable but also understandable. However, some circumstances and intensity screwed it all up... my own insecurity, probably. He's moving on to younger and cuter girls. If they work for him, great. He's got some finding of himself to do, too. Maybe he'll discover himself there.. chances are he won't discover a soul mate online. If he does, kudos to him. My gut feeling, though, is that he's got some fixin' of himself to do.

I'm going to give him some time and, if the mood strikes me, I'll see if we can't contact again. In better circumstances. We'd make awesome friends, but things are weird now and trying harder to make them right won't work. Two outdoorsy people in one town are bound to run into one another .. so I'll just have to run into him elsewhere. It's done.

Back to work.
Monday, February 7th, 2005
7:05 pm
Motivation and moving on...
So, although I"ve spet a few months talking about how much i Love this small town I live in, I'm starting to feel that itch ... that desire to move on! I don't want to move too far, really. Thing is, I don't want to grow old and single in this little cow town! I want to have a lovely single life with friends and lovers who have brains and ideals and dreams. Friends say I'm outgoing ... and in a city, that's welcomed. Here, however, I'm seen as a "weirdo" for wanting to talk to people.

I'm thinking of moving down to Denver ... but it has also crossed my mind that I might enjoy trying Hawaii again too. As I'm working out, getting thinner and - more importantly - stronger, I feel that I could enjoy some warmer places. Cold, perhaps, has been a way for me to hide myself. I sure did enjoy the freedom of daily swimsuit wearing when I was in the 50th state before.

What's keeping me here??? Stagnation is happening ... I need to get MOVING .. finish my work, finish my thesis, tie up my loose ends. It's time to get this boddy started.

Meeting hot boys in sleazy hotels ... somehow... hasn't been the demotivator I'd expected. There was no sex... but more-than-friendly flirting... quite an ego boost, I must say. And friends around here keep tellin me how I deserve the best. However, I feel pretty certain that the best isn't here.. or, at least, has bigger plans and isn't planning to stay. It's just not my style to settle down and stay. Look at my life. This is a two year in teh same place commitment -- i've even committed to the same apartment for two years. Icky!!

Why am I writing this bullllll*** ? Largely to motivate myself. As I sit here screwing around on the 'net, I'm wasting time that could be spent getting done faster. Get it done! Get it over! Move on, Girl! These are the words I need to hear, so I'm telling them to myself.

Where to next? I don't know ... but I feel certain that I can cut it in the big town, so maybe I'll give that one a shot first. Bring it on!

Current Mood: annoyed
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
4:35 pm
Parties ...
Last night was a blow out party for the successful promotion of one friend and the birthday of another. This involved a couple of kegs and a house full of lovely adults. There was laughter ..and.. as time went on, much flirting. My problem, though, is that I never got more than a little tipsy. Perhaps I had eaten too much, or the beer wasn't so tasty that I could drink more than one an hour. Regardless, though, I was sober as a stone by 2 am and ready to head home.

None of this is a big deal, except that I had really wanted to relax and flirt and have a good time. But I found myself feeling so much like I felt as a child. I was the only sober one, wanting to fit in, noticing that only the "stupid" drunk people thought they were funny. I wanted someone to like me -- to choose to flirt with ME! Instead, they were all over the married and very drunk friend of mine. In retrospect, this was likely BECAUSE she was drunk. She is, like me, way more likely to let men touch her and caress her when intoxicated. Hell, even I wanted her last night.. she was so lovey and cute. Still, a little part inside was sad and confused and wondered "Why not me?"

What's strange to me, though, is that if I were to have acted that way last night, being especially sober, it would not have been taken as cute and cuddly and loveable. It would have, rightfully, been seen as desperate. Am I desperate?? Not really.. not in a general way. But I do need a good amount of emotional encouragement to believe that I am a sexy and desirable woman. And I need make up.. or sex .. or both_ and I had neither of those last night. Without those things which make me feel more feminine, I am quite aware of my role as one of the guys.... a role I would like to keep, in that I like the guys. But I'd also like to feel sweet and sexy... and, as I've said before, desired. Dammit! This is a no win situation... especially because there was no one at that party I would have done anything more than flirt with. I value these guys as friends, perhaps they just don't flirt because they're afraid of how I"d take it. No one wants to ruin the friendship.

So, perhaps I've uncovered the truth behind my feelings of exclusion: I'm insecure in my attractiveness. I know I'm funny and a great friend ... but i do not generally feel very sexy. Fortunately, I know I'm not alone in this. It's quite a common situation with women... even those who seem confident. So, dudes, if ... it's a big IF .. you can make us feel beautiful and desired on a regular basis, we're pretty easily caught. Of course, if you come on too strong, it's a little weird ... but we're suckers for persistence too. Just be tactful and tasteful ...

I'm imagining a sweet guy friend of mine who I think is reasonably attractive. If only he were to sneak in now and then a comment that I'm pretty, or that he's shocked a wonderful girl like me isn't dating movie stars, or how he was so impressed by my attractiveness that he had to look twice, then I'd be hooked. Flattery works! But, he jokes with me like the guys and swears about how women suck in my presence. And that's not gonna work.

Anyways ... I'm feeling a little emotionally topsy turvy today. I want a person to hold me and kiss my face and tell me they're happier because I'm in their life. But I don't want the expectations of a "relationship" ... no requirements for checking in or plans for Friday. I just want it today. For the moment. Cuz each moment is all that we have.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
3:08 pm
what women want
For all of those sweet men out there trying to figure out just what it IS that women are looking for, I found this article. It's not completely fool-proof because women cannot and WILL not be reduced to a few simple rules. However, if you are having a difficult time with women, read this. Especially check out the second 13 tips towards the bottom. Those first six are true from a physchological stand point, but, what really matters is the last 13 points. I mean it!!

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
4:33 pm
Boys and high heels ...
I have decided to be sexy. For my first effort, I have purchased a beautiful pair of 3" heels with soft, round toes. They are very easy to sit in. Walking is still a bit of an issue, but i'm getting better as they break in. So... what IS it about heels? I've asked a few fellas today. They agree that at first glance, heels are sexy: Legs look longer, the butt pooches out a little ... very feminine. For me, since I feel sexier wearing them, I'm probably more flirty and friendly too. Weird. Perhaps it is this reassurance of my sexiness that made me able to attack issues of the OS as mentioned above.

Friends will know that I am a little unsure of myself in the arena of being feminine. I'm such a capable and outdoorsy person .. with brains, nonetheless .. that I often wonder if I am just one of the guys. I sure don't fit in with most girls! Last week, I even thought for a long long time about dating women to see if that is true...that I am a little more masculine. But the heels and some attention from a boy or two who i did NOT meet online have reassured me that I do prefer to date and, especially, cuddle with the more masculine gender. I just don't want to be taken care of or looked after. I want to be admired, lusted after, respected .. but not taken care of.

Fortunately, my new exploration of open-source-ware is taking me directly over to the house of one particularly cool boy. Since there is not a lot of room in front of one little Lappy, I'm looking forward to some pretty-close-for-comfort physical space. MMMMMMmmmm... Should I take food? maybe, but nothing that i have made! Too domestic, even with the brains and open-source OS.

So there we have it ... always a balance. I want to be both an equal and a sex object. Too much to ask? I doubt it. It may take a few tries to see who can handle it ... but I have faith in some of those boys... they'll "rise" to the occasion.
4:28 pm
A new OS
Finally, I have reason and courage to get over being owned by Microsoft. XP crashed this week and I am determined to get away from the MS Monster. Tomorrow, I start anew on my little Lappy with Linux Mandrake and OpenOffice.Org for my spreadsheet and document applications. I no longer will be placing huge demands on little Lappy, so I don't have to worry about those big, mean, multispectral data managing programs. The Computer Tech person at my job finally ... finally... put them on my work computer. About 6 months later than requested, but it is done.

I've found only one problem with OpenOffice.org Suite so far. A best fit line through a series of points has no associated linear function. I'll have to do that kind of interpretation in Matlab.... but at least I have an excuse to learn Matlab better. This is so fun! :D
Monday, January 17th, 2005
3:02 pm
Opening thoughts ...
I have been journaling in spiral bound notebooks for years.. I wonder what has brought me to this medium at this time. Perhaps it is an affinity to my very fine laptop computer. I heard of a study in Europe which noted that people rub, caress, and hold familiar objects when they are stressed. In the study, it was mostly cell phones. In my case, perhaps it is this little black and grey box.

Generally, I journal when I have something on my mind that won't leave or when I need to work through my feelings about something or someone. I know this as the beginnings of obsession. I don't have a long enough attention span to be truly obsessed, but I still recognize the symptoms. My mother and other members of the family are quite obsessive... I'm trying not to be. In this case, I've got some things that are bringing me down. Today is the first I can remember feeling a little down in the dumps, quickly labeling it as the precurssor to depression, and deciding on a course of action in short order. It feels healthy.

Things that are bringing me down. A) credit card debt... past due, again. I do have the money to pay it off ... but I have once again forgotten that the due date is at 11 am on said date. So, really, this money was due before I was even really up and moving about... that's 11:00 EST. Damn. This hasn't happened in a couple of years, but it seems to matter more today since I really do intend to cancel the damn card.

B) Online dating -- hell, dating in general. I finally can put a finger on what it is about online dating that really gets to me. I haven't done much real-world-first dating in years so I don't know if it applies there as much but I'm certain that it does. The problem I have is when I meet a guy who I know is great - I am so good at seeing a kind heart and earnest intentions - but I just don't want to be involved with him. Moreover, I have enough friends, especially weird friends, so I don't even care to be "just friends." How do I tell them to quit calling, quit emailing, not message every 5 minutes? This is not one person I am talking about here. It's several. If only one person, I could deal with the odd phone call now and then with some semblance of kindness. But there's at least three. The hindsight-is-20/20 answer is why did I give them my phone number in the first place... I see the reason there, but it's too late now, isn't it? Sadly, these are not just little boys either. They are 30 - 45 year old men who are obviously lonely and desperate for something that they think I can give them a taste of. And I probably can give them a taste of something different ... but they don't get it, yet. Happiness is from within YOU! I'm just a person ... and I'm tired of entertaining you. Get a life!


1. If we can't hang out on at least a weekly basis, please don't call me daily. That means, if you live far away and don't do things with me, I get tired of rehashing the same values and issues over and over. My motto for the moment is DO not TALK.

2. Regardless of where you live, if I don't return your call after a couple of days, call one more time- maybe I forgot. After that, if I don't call, it was NOT forgetfulness!! If I am out of town, I will call when i get back.

3.Unless it is an emergency or you were just chatting with me online and have established other precedence, do not call after 10 pm or before 9 am: Even if I'm awake, I do not want to talk.

C) My work, my thesis, my class .. not enough daylight. Generally, this is called the winter blahs. Even in Laramie, with all of this sunlight, I get down in winter if it is too cold for too long. Based on the melting snow, however, I can reasonably hope for a semi-warm spell soon. If not, to the tanning booth I'll go. Skiing this weekend was fun, but didn't bring me the great joy I had hoped.

Fortunately, as I was writing this, a good friend stopped by to chat. Seems to be just what I needed! Girl -Time :D

IT's a long entry ... but a first. Truth is, I can be wordy when I journal. This is just for me anyways ... if you enjoy, that's okay too.

Current Mood: blah
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